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2001 comedy “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter,” written by Ian Driscoll and directed by Lee Demarbre, is one part kung fu action film, with a sprinkle of musical, and a hearty dose of delightful cheese camp drizzled on top. A completely over-the-top romp, its outlandish qualities and low budget are balanced out by taut writing. Loaded with laughs, “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” is chock-full of heavenly hilarity.
It’s the second coming of Jesus Christ (Phil Caracas) as doomsday narrator (Ivan Freud) explains. But a string of vampire attacks on the lesbian population of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada forces priest Father Eustice (Tim Devries) to charge fellow men of the cloth Father Avellino (Alex Godin) and Father Alban (Glen Jones), the later of which rocks a punk aesthetic including a spiked mohawk, to call upon divine intervention: Jesus. Locating Christ on the beach of a Great Lake performing baptisms, Alban and Avellino explain to Jesus the situation before being ambushed by a horde of vampires including notorious bloodsucker Maxine Shreck (Murielle Varhelyi).
Father Eustice puts Jesus up at the Church, and Christ sets out to vanquish the vamps from the face of creation. A Mary Magdelene-type character, the gun-toting and aptly-named Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton) joins Jesus in seeking out the creatures of the night plaguing Ottawa. Mexican pro wrestler Santos (Jeff Moffet), quite literally saints, lends his talents to the Son of God.
While “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” is absolutely bonkers, its seemingly-disparate elements manage to remain a cohesive, comedic whole. The musical kung fu flick features original musical compositions ranging from a Ramones-inspired “Pray to live, live to pray,” track to church hymnals, “Blade” style techno, and Broadway-esque show tunes. Nevertheless, the movie never feels disjointed. Largely, that impressive feat is accomplished through a storyline about vampires terrorizing the lesbians of Ottawa, Ontario. This arc provides a foundation upon which allows for the meandering movie to hold together.
The zany flick establishes its own lore that, while balls-to-the-wall crazy, contributes to world-building. Mary Magnum presents her research on vampires to Jesus in a sauna, explaining that authentic vampirism is actually an infection. It’s revealed that the bloodsucking freaks require corpses to combat their photosensitivity and thus gain the ability to walk outside during the day.
Moreover, “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” is shockingly witty. A highlight scene finds Jesus and Santos dispatching a horde of vampires in a bar with an arsenal of unique weapons, utilizing pool cues, crutches, drumsticks, and even toilet plungers as wooden stakes. Atheists attack Christ, piling out of a Jeep Wrangler in waves clown car style. And the movie pays homage to the vampire films of great with Maxine Shreck’s name a reference to Max Schreck from 1922 classic “Nosferatu.” Script-writing is taut, a veritable communion cup overflowing with clever lines. “The position of women in the church hasn’t always been so horizontal,” Mary Magnum states. “I remember,” Jesus responds. God speaks to Jesus in the form of a scoop of ice cream topped with cherries. “Is that you bowl of cherries?” Christ wonders aloud. During a fight scene, Jesus pauses to sit in a chair taunting his vampire opponent, “And on the seventh day, he rested.” Before sneaking into a building through the ductwork “Mission Impossible” style, Jesus charges Mary Mangum, “If I’m not back in five minutes, call the Pope.”
Yet, in the midst of its campiness and silliness, “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” manages to offer a theme of acceptance, mostly through a lampoon of arbitrary organized religious teachings. Father Eustice explains to Jesus, “The church has been unwilling to act on [the disappearances] because of the lifestyle of these women.” Christ counters, “The church should learn to leave judgment to higher powers.” In the third act, Jesus confronts the creatures of the night asking “Why lesbians?” The explanation: they’re deviants. “There’s nothing deviant about love,” Christ argues. Addressing a crowd of followers, Jesus informs his flock, “I don’t want you to accept anything just because I say it. Think about it. Make up your own mind. And if you choose Christianity, don’t follow me. Follow my teachings. It’s the message that’s important.” While the movie is predominantly a spectacularly silly adventure, there’s a parody of arbitrary organized religious teachings that contradict Jesus’s lifestyle. After all, the biblical Christ was said to have socialized with sinners and prostitutes.
“Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” is delightfully insane. While on paper its plot pitting Jesus with a Mexican pro wrestler and modern-age Mary Magdelene to protect lesbians from bloodsuckers, the film succeeds thanks to sharp script-writing, inventive fight scenes, and a unique format that fuses horror comedy with kung fu and a sprinkle of musical theatre. Gut-bustingly funny, it’s a cult classic must-watch.
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